It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
