i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
