I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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