dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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