Those balls look pretty dangerous.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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