Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
