He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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