It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
