If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
