Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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