I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
