If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
