There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
