Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
