You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
and you fell through a lawn chair
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
