the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
