you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
