I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
