Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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