I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
