Soap is not a condiment
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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