I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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