i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
