Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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