Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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