I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
