Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
