my being single is dangerous.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
