i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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