I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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