2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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