Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
