somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
