I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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