i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
