that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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