I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
