my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
