Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
