i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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