awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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