i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
