Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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