Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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