Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
