I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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