you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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