She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
