I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
