I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
