I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
