Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
