For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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